Rather than merely complain.

Because I like you, and I mostly feel good when I’m around you. I want you to know I only complain and ask questions so we can make this perfect, and so all the small things will work themselves out (with a little help from me, of course). There are so many things which I do like about you that make me want to stay with you despite all the smoke you blow and the heartache I feel because of that.

I love the way your beard tickles my face when we hold each other. The silly way you look me in the eye after we both know what a great moment we just had. And sometimes when I hold you you feel like a little baby in my arms, dependent on me. Open and waiting and needy, and sometimes those are good things to be, they make me feel needed. When I think about how this happened, I’m still amazed and confused, but thankful. I don’t think I’ve ever been pined after in any real way, or if I have, it’s never been acted upon. So you’re brave, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say, and that’s wonderful because as much as I’m bossy, I’m not all that brave. Like today, when I can’t speak my mind to you, but instead write in pointless blogs about it.

I just feel at home with you. Even with your cats. Even though they make me sneeze. And itch…but you make me itch too. With nervousness, excitement, and sometimes even with despair. From not hearing from you for hours, or from the knowledge that we both want such different things, and that scares me sometimes when I’m with you. So yeah, sometimes I get quiet, and have to bit my lip from shouting that this will never work out, but I get over that rashness and boldness and realize it’s just my big head wanting everything to always be perfect, and goddamnit nothing ever will be, with or without you.

You’re my favorite time of the day, did you know that? Just take care of me and cherish me until we both find a reason we shouldn’t be together, ok?

—

(via eletheowl) (via chaotique) (via lexichelle)

Everyone wants the same things maybe.

“I want you to tell your friends everyday how much you love me.”

But I know this would never happen. And are people willing to change for the ones they love? Or like? Or might one day love? Are they willing to give up vices and insecurities and former loves? 
I am only writing this because you know everything I’m about to say.

I wish that somehow, in some way we’d all learn to sacrifice ourselves for great love. I wish people would have enough passion to even believe in such a thing. Love does not have to be some fairy tale…I have felt it and I know you have to. Everyone has flaws and doubts but is anyone willing to look past those or fix them at all? Or are we all so stubborn that no one ever really changes? What do I need to change? Why is it that no one ever stays with me for very long? There must be some reason, and maybe you’ll be the one to finally tell me. I am just trying to be happy here, on my own, and if you want to join, well come on over, but if you bring me down, you’re out. Is happiness too much to ask for? I’m rambling here. I guess what you really need to know is I’m sensitive, far too sensitive for my own good. I feel everything you feel and take everything to heart. I sense all endings, beginnings, thoughts you never let leave your lips in bed at night. I feel you wondering about me wondering. I am neurotic in every sense of the word so I write these crazy entries and never let you read them. I am young, and you cannot judge me for that, because this is just what you wanted. I am intelligent but young, and thus naive. And you can’t blame me. Most importantly, I am fragile sometimes goddamnit, just like everyone else. And I would never want to break someone else’s heart on purpose, so I’ll never do it to you unless it’s for the best. Always remember that.

One day I’ll stop drinking, because I won’t need that just like I don’t need drugs now. And everyone will wonder why. But the person I have right there by my side needs to be on the same page as me. I need someone strong enough not to need anything. Do you have that within you? I ask these questions because I need to document what I want now, before I forget it all for love.

God, you know, actually, I am not sure why I am writing this at all. Maybe I’m just considering my options here; my future. I think too far ahead, but maybe you should try it too. Maybe everyone should.

“I want to be a good women, and I want for you to be a good man.” And I want that to be good enough for both of us…but who knows, maybe it never will be.

I guess we all must wander until we find out.